Thursday, June 21, 2007

Pain is Good

I love pain. No, I'm not a sadist. But I am a realist. I love pain because it is the greatest indicator that something is wrong with our body. Don't believe me? I dare you to let a tooth become infected and develop an access; allow a splinter to remain in your finger for more than a day; stub your toe or hit your elbow's funny bone. Now do you understand why I love pain?

Well, pain in a relationship is also the greatest indicator that something is wrong with our relationship.

Pain forces us (or should force us) to take a good, serious and hard look at a love relationship, job, circumstance or situation in which we find ourselves experiencing the pain. Unfortunately, we can become accustomed to pain.

A little nagging pain in the knees can eventually lead to knee replacement surgery. A little nagging pain in the eyes can lead us to seek corrective lenses. A little nagging pain in our body can lead to successful corrective action for the body. Or, a little nagging pain can lead to serious illness and even death, particularly if it is ignored for long enough.

A little nagging pain reflected as an intuitive urge may be telling you that the reason your husband is working late every night of the week for months on end is not to get ahead in his career. His head may be on another woman's pillow.

A little nagging pain reflected as an intuitive urge may be telling you that the reason your wife is talking incessantly about a male co-worker is because she has developed more than just a co-worker relationship with him.

Severe pain inflicted by a partner's physical or verbal abuse should not be ignored or explained away. No, you do not deserve this treatment. No, there is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong but it sure isn't with you! Yes, it is normal to expect to be treated with respect. Yes it is normal to expect your husband to come home at night. Yes it is normal to expect your wife to compliment you on a job well done after you've completed a household project. The list of what is normal is endless and often ignored or swept aside.

Regardless of a pain's level of intensity, do not ignore pain.

In my recently published relationship memoir, "Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces", I share that pain is really a gift and we should view pain as a treasured friend. If it hurts (physically, mentally or emotionally), it is not love. Remember, pain is a sign that something isn't right. Make friends with pain-it will never steer you wrong.

Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher

Friday, June 1, 2007

What Do Men Want

I recently hosted a free teleseminar, "What Makes A Man Commit - What Makes Him Quit Calling." Guess what we ladies who were on the call found out about what men want? They want:

  1. Communication. They are not mind readers and they don't like mind games. Talk to them but get to the point quickly. They only want the key points - no embellishments. Girlfriends are for embellishments.
  2. Space. Give them time to be alone with their thoughts, their hobbies and their friends.
  3. To be hunters. Men want to pursue you. If you are caught too easily or pursue them, the loose interest - fast.
  4. Get over your past ugly, painful relationships. Give them a fair chance to prove they are wonderful, loving, caring and dependable men.
What should you do regarding the 3 points above?

  1. Be open and honest. Talk to your man but do not approach him in a confrontational manner.
  2. Get a life. Develop a hobby. Develop friendships of your own. Start a business, go back to school - something. But get a life.
  3. Chill. If he does not pursue you, he does not want to be with you. This is non-negotiable and does not vary. Men pursue women they want to be with. They will do the majority of the calling. Trust me on this. Don't wait by the phone waiting for the call either. Do not alter your schedule waiting for his call. Let him leave a message but don't play games. If you're near your phone and not busy, answer it.
  4. Make a conscious, deliberate decision to forgive men from your past. Not forgiving someone and hating them is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die. In fact, you must may be the person who you need to forgive.
What to do in the meantime:
  1. Be the best you can be. Accept the package you are wrapped in but get in good physical condition (men are visual creatures). Get regular checkups, eat well and drink lots of water.
  2. Get your finances together; make a budget and stick with it or whatever else you need to do to get your credit straight. Refrain from beating up on yourself about past mistakes. Start from this day forward and get in right relationship with money.
  3. Enjoy your family and friends. You are truly blessed if a day goes by and someone misses you and calls or drops by to check on you.
Provoking thought: Remain open. The man of your dreams may be wrapped in a different skin color than you (different race) or may have been born in a different part of the world (different culture).

Finally, ask God to send your man. Then don't just sit back, get whatever is out of whack in your life (if anything) straight, go to events and outings. Get out there and enjoy life. Rest in the Lord.

Carmin Wharton, Author
Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces